So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
