I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
