Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
