you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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