I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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