Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
