Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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