who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize