And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
