I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
i love accidental penises.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
