i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
