I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
