and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
