god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
