god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
