I need help removing her.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
