i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
