I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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