The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
