my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
