Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I will pee on everything he values.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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