make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
