can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I wish there were birth control emojis
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
