We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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