would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
