see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
