I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
If I die, sorry about rent.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
