a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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