I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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