I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
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I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
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sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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