my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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