did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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