so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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