Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
