my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
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overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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