:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
