Im at strip club and am horny
i just wanna soil my oats bro
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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