HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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