am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
