Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
