Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
