And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
