doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
