seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I want her autograph on my taint
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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