You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
