i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
