Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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