I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
