Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
