Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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