pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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