maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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