I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Randomize
