I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
