Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
