Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
