As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
