dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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