i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
