If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
