So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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