This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Randomize
