I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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